yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
