when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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