I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
