im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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