Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
