I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
