she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
