im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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