Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
