I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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