The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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