It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
