I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
