Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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