Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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