Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
