Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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