I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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