NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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