everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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