who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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