I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she looked like the before picture.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize