My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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