Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize