I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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