im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
