I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
