I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
