well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
