Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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