I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
