I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
