How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
