He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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