Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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