So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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