I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
