I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Someone signed my nipple.
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