I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
