Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
