I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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