As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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