Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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