Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
