I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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