Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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