looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
