they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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