Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
