Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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