If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize