apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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