The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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