He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
