I must be too annoying 4 u.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize