you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
