I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
