You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
