He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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