Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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