I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
