Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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