While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize