Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
