Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
