So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
